Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Randomize
