He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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