He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
