I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize