So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
