Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize