just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize