I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
