Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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