if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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