Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
