im having a threesome with these popsicles
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
