the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
