I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
