Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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