I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
