either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
