i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
