Umm I'm too high to move.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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