We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
