walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
