i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
