Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
