My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
