2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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