Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
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