Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
