Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
