I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
