I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
