Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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