Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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