thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
