she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
