thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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