If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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