I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
