Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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