I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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