I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
