tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
