Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
