what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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