Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
