i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
