I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
