Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
