I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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