when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
