my soul wont recognize me after tonight
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
