The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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