We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
