last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
