There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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