Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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