I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
50% drunk capacity currently
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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