Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
