I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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