1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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